THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married;
2. He never held a steady job;
3. His last request was a drink.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus;
2. He was always in trouble with the law;
3. His mother did not know who his father was.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands;
2. He had wine with every meal;
3. He worked in the building trades.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody 'brother';
2. He had no permanent address;
3. Nobody would hire him.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair;
2. He walked around barefoot;
3. He invented a new religion.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BRAZILIAN:
1. He survived on miracles;
2. He was harassed by the government and politicians;
3. He never had any money.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS FRENCH:
1. He never changed his clothes;
2. He only washed his feet;
3. He didn't speak any English.
An old couple go to the doctor.
The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done
with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the
old woman in.
The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would
like to talk to you about your husband first."
The old woman says, "Oh no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the
eggs."
The doctor says, "No, physically he is OK, but I'm worried about him
mentally."
The old woman questions, "Whatever do you mean?"
The doctor says, "Well I asked your husband how he is feeling and he
told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go the bathroom,
he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done,
he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."
The old woman responded, "Son of a gun, he's peeing in the fridge again!"
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, " Who is this ?"
"This is the maid," answers the woman
"We don't have a maid," says the man
The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."
The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
The woman replies, "She is upstairs in bed with someone who I figured
was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to
make $50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot
her and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and the 2 gun
shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."
After a long pause the man says, "Is this 832-4821?"
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an ccounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with
that?"
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.